Let's be frank, shall we? Statcounter tells me that the only reader to stumble across my blog in the past week was the company who owns Nyquil, and they were probably just scanning the entire internet for any mention of their product's name to make sure nobody was saying anything lewd, like OMGZZZ NYQUIL MAKES THE BEST LUBE EVSSSS <3<3<3.* In all of my posts, I have only received one comment (well, really I have two, but one of them was my response to that comment, so it really doesn't count).
It's really bringin' me down. I would ask my readers what I can do to make my blog more appealing, interesting, entertaining, or useful, but I don't have any readers. So you see, I am in a bit of a pickle. I could just keep trying different things to see if one of them attracts readers. You know, like, if I put more pictures on. Or changed the font. Or actually had a consistent theme, like cooking or weddings. Or if I put up a lot of music. Or gave you twenty dollars every time you came to my site. Or maybe if I made fewer lists.
One possible tactic to get more (by which I mean any) readers, and one that I feel I will eventually succumb to, is to post the url as a status on Facebook and put it in my information under websites. However, the problem with this approach is that then lots (by which I mean some [by which I mean maybe two of my best friends. And my dad. And the weird guy who keeps asking if I cut my hair yet - so that's four, yay!]) of the people I know would come here! And read my thoughts!! And bring their negative views of me!!! And maybe tell me that I am the least funny person they have ever met and also that I am not pretty, nor am I good at sports!!!!** Plus, my mom is my friend on Facebook. I don't want her reading weird things on the internet, like that lube comment up there.
And then, after all that mocking and judging, they might reveal my true identity. And then laugh at the fake name I've used.*** Yes, I've just gone through my entire list of Facebook friends (because who cares about homework?) and I didn't find a single person who would not at least snicker or raise a big fat judging eyebrow if they knew that I write a blog under the name Tracy Thunderbolt.
Some of you may be wondering why I even write a blog and post my deepest darkest secrets on the interwebs if I am so afraid of people reading them. I know because people ask similar questions when I tell them I am debilitatingly shy and socially awkward, yet I can do improv onstage without puking. I am a woman of mystery, you see.
But really, I only want to avoid having people I know read this. If I don't know you, come on in! Read, enjoy, follow, subscribe, tell your friends, come back and read some more!....please? Did I mention I'm
Yes, in fact, I will bribe you! First person to leave another comment or subscribe to my blog will get something cool from me. I'm not sure what it is yet, but it will be cool and not at all a hand-written note on the back of a Starbucks receipt saying THANKS A LATTE because you know how I love puns.
And now, in a fit of self-pity, I am off to write a country song called "It's Lonely on the Interwebs (When No One Reads Yer Blog)."****
*Which nobody had probably said before, but now they have. Please don't sue me, Nyquil company.
**That part about the sports is actually true. But sometime I will post on just how paranoid I am about other people judging me. For now, just assume that it's a LOT.
***Tracy Thunderbolt is not exactly my given name, but I just might change it legally because I like it, even if it makes people mock me mercilessly. The guy at the laser tag place liked it when I used it as my code name, although it was too long so he had to shorten it to THNDRBL, which is either less cool or more cool, you decide.
****If you subscribe/follow AND leave a comment, I will record the song and send it to you! SRSLY.