Nailed it!

You guys. I am sort of okay with Pinterest.  It keeps me up on all the latest trends, like photos of painted fingernails clutching at a bottle of polish as if trying to crush the thing.

RAAARR

Painting nails is not just for preteen girls anymore, but has become yet another way for adults to express our unique, snowflake identities; though unlike getting a haircut every two months or picking out an outfit, perfecting complex designs on a quarter-inch canvas can take hours to complete and cause untold frustration when the cat jumps up and brushes against the wet polish, leaving smudgy cat hairs in its wake.  Not that that has ever happened to me.  I don't even own a cat.

Some have reported cramps resulting from posing fingers in a manner most conducive to showing off nails to others.  If someone is running around with a camera, snapping pictures willy-nilly, one must always be prepared, with all nails clumped together.

I'M NOT EVEN HOLDING ANYTHING, YOU GUYS. MY FINGERS ARE STUCK THIS WAY.

Even if I tried doing my nails every day, or even once a week, I am pretty much incapable of keeping polish on without picking at my cuticles like a junkie.  So instead, I think I will take this time to promote the newest trend of cutting designs into fingernails.  I mean, of course you have to worry about ruining sweaters with snags and slicing people's skin when you go to shake hands, but I happen to think that all of that is worth it.  To show people that I am a delicate snowflake.  Unique.  And beautiful.

Fingernail sculpting: THE FUTURE.

Images via Fuck Yes Nail Polish, thrilled.com, and Amelian Memaries.