The Face of Evil: A War on Whimsy

There is a word which we never speak around these parts.  That word is...whimsy.  I know--I'm sorry I had to say it.  Some of you may even be cringing away from your computer screen right now, your chest caved and your fingers clutching at your scalp, eyes tightly shut as if to erase the word you've just seen, the thoughts it has brought up in your mind.  But friends, do not be afraid.  If we are to fight the spread of whimsy, we must be desensitized to its intoxicatingly precious power.  (Some of the following images may be highly disturbing; NSFW.)

***trigger warning***

Look--look at this tiny house.

And this cakelele!

Look at the way these flower match this vintage fixie!
See how they color-coordinate!  LOOK AT THEM

THIS COLLECTION IS CALLED "PARIS IN PINK"!  TAKE IT!!

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANYTHING SO DELIGHTFUL AND MAGICAL
IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?!!  HOW IT FILLS YOU WITH RAGE!!

These are but a few of the many faces of whimsy--the antithesis and destroyer of drudgery.  The blogosphere at large would have you believe that you should surround your body and infuse your life with this dangerous and unstable substance, but I am here to expose this as a base lie.  Don't let whimsy convince you to spend your hard-earned downtime crafting useless household decorations, needlessly complicated desserts, and handmade, heartfelt gifts.

I cannot say this forcefully enough: If you let it in your life, whimsy will destroy you.

A house is just a place to keep warm; food is just a means to survive; gifts are just bribes for surface friendship.  How do I know?  Because I, like you, have seen the comforting, grounding face of pragmatism.  I have heard the soothing, monotone voice of sarcastic, under-the-breath comments. I have felt the warm embrace of realistic, practical drudgery.

And it feels good.

Now that we have all become desensitized against the enemy, tomorrow's post will feature some tools that will allow us to show the blogosphere that glitter, a sewing machine, and a bucket of Mod Podge do not, in fact, make everything better.  Jellybeans and cheese is sometimes an acceptable meal for an adult; creating the perfect, fanciful holiday centerpiece will not gain your mother's approval; and life will go on even if your bare walls are painted plain, old white.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Get ready, interwebs, for an onslaught of drudgery so intense it might just make you want to rip up all those decorative pillows you sewed last spring out of scraps of vintage sundresses left over from your chic, modernizing alterations.  Oh--I'm sorry!  Didn't mean to let all the air out of your hand-sewn, multicolored felt hot air balloon wall hanging.*




*YES I DID


Images via Tiny House Lover, Etsy, Etsy, Etsy again, Tumblr. 

Sunday Snark

Image via Je Voudrais Que.

Things I Dislike

Grocery shopping on Saturdays.

I'm gon' steal yo' giant paper towels--then I'mma cut you in the deli section!

Shopping is not one of my favorite things to do in general, but grocery shopping is the absolute worst.  In my dream of dreams, there is a golden hour when there are just enough shoppers to keep the employees from standing around eyeing you with palpable apathy and boredom, making you feel like you alone are the reason they cannot leave and pursue fruitful, exciting lives...but not so many that you find yourself in a five-cart pileup by the canned goods.

Maybe on a Wednesday morning or something.

The last time I went grocery shopping on a Saturday was right before Halloween.  At a Target.  On the same day as a community event at which children were running all over the shopping complex trick-or-treating from store to store.

Which...sure.  I can get behind that.  Dozens of little kids hyped up on sugar, scampering about in busy parking lots.  Like rabbits.

The latest Community Population Control Program, coming to your neighborhood Halloween, 2012.

Anyway.  The store was packed, I was in a bad mood, and I didn't even bother to lower my voice as I complained to a friend on the phone about how crowded it was and how impatient I was for people to MOVE OUT OF THE WAY so I could grab my freaking wheat bread and hot sauce.  Three times there were more than four carts in an aisle, twice I was stuck behind the same ambling couple who somehow didn't leave enough room in the larger main aisle for me to pass them, and I swear I waited six whole minutes for a lady to decide which jelly she wanted.  I almost hunted down a bright orange vest from the sporting aisle and started directing cart traffic.

I am not an ambler.  My ideal trip to the store is as quick and efficient as possible.

Next time, I ride.

 Images via Oops, I Said It, Flickr.

Ho, hum.

So...was there something going on today? 

Someone, somewhere, will look up in the sky at 11:11 tonight and see a shooting star, and the magic will be so intense that they will suffer a massive coronary--and die blissfully happy. 



Image via Derrick Writes.

In which Tracy makes a sad confession.

Turns out I am pretty much terrible at this whole write-a-novel-in-a-month thing.

One week in and I'm already pooped.
Only three weeks left to whine and procrastinate!

Look, I will try to blame it on the fact that I've had the cold from hell and I've been exhausted every second of every day, but don't believe me.  Last night I cleaned up my whole area and did laundry.  Tonight I didn't blow my nose once, and I made lemon pull-apart cake, although I did have to stop halfway through because I forgot to make sure we had lemons and the stores were all closed.  Yet despite all this productivity, I still only have 1,773 words written.  That is approximately 177.3 words a day.  And by approximately I mean exactly.  Because I do often leave words one-third wr

Still, I'm confident in my tried-and-true method of leaving everything until the last minute, then working nonstop for hours on end until my fingers, jittering on the keyboard in a caffeinated frenzy, manage to tip-tap-type that sucker into submission.  This is clearly the solution.  Just ask college kids: 3 out of every three students polled can't be wrong--procrastination works!



Images via this Irish Medical Sales site.

Sunday Snark

Image via 110 Pounds.

Things I Like

Extra hours of sleep.

Image via Fashionably Geek.

In the Shadows

I haven't read it yet.  But when I get some free time, I will.  And I'm sure I will love it.  But despite all the rave reviews, what's still bothering me, for no real apparent reason, is the one description I heard somewhere 'round the interwebs of Kaling as "Tina Fey's cool younger sister."  Maybe it's because I am a younger sister...and an older sister...or maybe it's because I imagine it must be a little frustrating to be stuck in the shadow of a "big sister" figure like that.  Of course, it's not a bad compliment--who wouldn't be stoked and honored to be compared to Tina Fey?  But at the same time...wouldn't you want to be associated just with...yourself?

And in other news...ellipses!  They're back!  Also, exclamation points!!



Image via hearty magazine.

You guys!

It's only 11:37 and I'm turning off the lights and going to sleep!  I think I may be growing up.

Also, I am sick, so I guess that might be part of it, too.

 

Day of the Dead

"Dem Bones" never sounded so svelte.

Next year, I want to have a Day of the Dead party to celebrate the season of somberness.  Everyone can dress up like a famous dead person (no being cheeky and coming as the Grim Reaper), we set out a funeral spread on black linens and play games like Dead Man's Bluff, and people sing karaoke featuring songs only by dead artists.  Bonus points if the dead person's song is also about dying.

On another note, I probably won't be posting here as frequently this month, because I've decided to participate in NaNoWriMo.  Sort of.  I figured, Why not?  I'm a masochistic insomniac - this sounds perfect for me!  Really, it's just the fact that my ego feels threatened by the idea that anybody can write a novel these days.  QUANTITY OVER QUALITY IS HOW THE TWILIGHT SERIES SWELLED TO A GLUTTONOUS FOUR BOOKS - DOESN'T ANYBODY SEE THAT?! I shout down from my high horse.  They should include a clause stating that just because everyone can write a novel, it doesn't mean that everyone should.

Whew.  All that snobbishness has been building up for weeks,
and it is such a relief to let it all out.

In any case, since I feel so strongly about the issue, it must simply be a coincidence that I am writing a fifty thousand-word novel during the month of November, as I staunchly refuse to actually sign up for the thing.  I have standards, you see.  But in a desperate effort to save my sinuses as they are attacked on all fronts by children's germs, dry air, and little sleep, I am going to be cutting back posting on here.  I know, I know; try not to weep too loudly into your pillow at night.

However, to make up for my neglect, I'll come back and post my entire novel attempt right here on the drudgery bin, so we can all laugh and make fun of it together.  It will be like a weekly serial of hilarious badness!  Huzzah!!




Images via Power On Sound Off and this site..