Sunday Snark: Cookie Extravaganza

In the spirit of giving, this edition of Sunday Snark features a quadruple batch of well-meaning mockery and derision.  Enjoy with a tall glass of milk.  And by milk I mean whiskey.

Tonight we gon' see if gingerbread men really bleed white.

What to do with a $100,000 degree in modern art.

Because Christmas is color-blind.  And also regular blind.

OH GOD MAKE IT STOP

Images via Zelda Lily, yummy-awesome, Gluten-Free Girl, The Garden Window.

Under the Mistletoe

Cootie threat successfully averted.

As I snuggle up next to my suga', high above the chilly streets of San Francisco, I find myself falling victim to the saccharine sweetness of yuletide romance--and I'm not the only one.  Surely this must be the most romantic time of the year, when people are filled with goodwill, the thermometer tells us to cuddle closer to keep cozy, and sweethearts are attached at the hand and the lip.  Gazes gooey as warm caramel soften across a table in the glow of candlelight, and somehow even walking down the street holding hands becomes an impromptu date around Christmas.  Maybe it's the storefronts dressed up in their ribbons and glitter as if for a fancy night out.  Snow falling on two lovers as they kiss under a streetlamp or skate hand in hand creates a picturesque scene of seasonal sentimentality.

Pretty sickening all around.

Interesting then, isn't it, that we kiss each other under a poisonous, parasitic plant.




Image via flickriver.

Jet-Settin'

I'm flying up to San Francisco for the weekend tonight, which affords me the perfect opportunity to talk about travel during the holiday season!  I am an expert, you see!  I know just what to pack and how to handle the crowds!  If you think you detect a faint, hysterical quiver in my voice, you couldn't be more wrong!

But really, traveling is easy peasy compared to all the social interaction expected around the holidays.

Images via The Oatmeal, Indexed.

Feels Like Home.

This post will be lacking in my usual, curmudgeonly grumbling, I'm afraid.  That's because tomorrow I am flying to San Francisco to see a boy I haven't seen in over three months, and it feels like I am going home after a very, very long day.

Where do we live?

So excuse my sentimentality; I'm just a little giddy and preoccupied with the idea of being in the same state as my sweetheart for the first time in months.  It's got me thinking about things like:

-the wool peacoat I ordered to keep me warm down by the bay
-room service and restaurants
-walks down chilly city streets
-snuggling and humming early-morning Christmas songs with a stunning soprano vibrato until he wakes up and we can go exploring
-trolleys with wreaths on them?  I've never been to San Francisco around Christmas, but that seems like Something They Should Do.
-what Chinatown looks like this time of year.  Is it just the same?  Are they selling festive goods?  YOU WAN NUTCRACKA, FI DOLLAH?
-this movie.  Down below the next paragraph.  But don't look at it right now.  Er--well, you can look, but...I mean, still read the next paragraph.

Meet Me in St. Louis is not entirely a Christmas movie; it's a Halloween movie and a first love movie and a going-to-the-World's-Fair movie.  Which...may or may not be a real genre.  But mostly it's about home.

And it's the most perfect thing.

Image via Fruitheart.

This isn't really a Christmas post.

I bought it.  Not because I'm getting married anytime soon, but because I believe in helpin' a sista out, and because I am not taking any chances with this karma shit.  Also, presale is 40% off!

But still, the book is really only #96 on the Amazon Bestseller List as of 11:09 Pacific time? Disappointing.  Go away and don't come back until you've bought a copy.  I'm serious.  Even if you only tottered across my blog by accident while scouring the interwebs for "bad fingernail pics," which makes up approximately ninety percent of you.  This book is gonna be the shit, which you can trust because I am an English major who hasn't read the book; so naturally, my literary opinion is unquestionable.  Would you like an off-the-cuff analysis of themes and motifs?  Shall I hastily summarize the societal implications of the diction and pronoun usage?  Clearly, I know what I'm talking about when I say that this book will change your life.

So go buy it, already.




Image via Amazon.

Whomp, whomp.

It took me weeks to find this horse wrapping paper.  You're welcome.

This is about the extent of my gift-wrapping skills.  Sorry, Secret Santa.  And family.  And friends.  And boyfriend.  And boyfriend's family.  I know you were all expecting better from me.  Sorry to disappoint you.

Image via rusdaddy's flickr.

On the Decoration of Trees

Guten morgen!  Season's greetings!  This morning we have some helpful tips you can use to make sure you have the best and brightest Christmas tree in your neighborhood.  Unless you live in my neighborhood, in which case your tree will be second best and kind of dim, comparatively.

1. Choosing the Right Time:

Apparently this was the weekend to decorate Christmas trees, since the weekend after Thanksgiving was, clearly, the ideal time to buy the tree.  So if you don't already have it, you should probably just wait till next year.  Or, you can convert to Judaism.  Hanukkah starts December 20 this year, and menorahs don't wilt.  Even an idiot can handle that.

Speaking of wilting, make sure you stock up on liquid cheer for watering your tree.  This will keep it fresh and glowing throughout the holiday season.  If you choose to use plain old water like some sort of jackass, your tree will end up looking like a giant turkey carcass by December 24th.

The anti-cheer.

2.  Picking Your Tree:

We all know that the worst part of decorating a Christmas tree is finagling the lights: digging them out of storage, untangling them from the chaos that has somehow destroyed last year's nice coils, and winding the strands around the tree in a sort of prickly tango. This year, buy your Christmas tree with the lights already on it.  SCIENCE has engineered a new strain of firs that grow up out of the ground with lights bulbs already on the branches, splashing colored light on the snow.  Very cheerful, no?

Yes, very cheerful, indeed.

3.  Spend approximately two hours tying the tree to the roof of your car with heavy-duty ropes.  Twine is for amateurs.

**Note:  Somebody out there will assuredly forget to bring rope.  Maybe you thought you could just toss it in the trunk, leaning over the seats like a pair of skis or some lumber.  My response to that is not appropriate even for the internet, and especially not around Christmas time, so I will instead ask you to just leave now, and please never participate in Christmas again.  You've disappointed us all.  Just go.

4.  Spend approximately three hours untying the tree from the roof of your car, using gardening shears because you've tied the knots too tightly, and then haul it inside to set up in the stand you've placed in the living room, preferably near a window.  This will allow for natural light to illuminate your tree during the day, while giving passers-by the privilege of stealing a glimpse of the glowing vision of yuletide glory that is your tree.  Have a friend stand at one end of the room and tell you which way to tip it until your tree stands straight and proud.  If it takes longer for you to get it straight than it did for the tree to grow, your friend is messing with you.

5.  Now, all you have to do is flit around the tree like a Christmas fairy, tucking garland under branches, nestling colored glass balls among the needles.  Breathe in the pine scent; let it fill your whole being.  That is the smell of your neighbors seething, writhing, spitting with envy.  And that, after all, is what Christmas is all about.

6.  Tinsel deserves its own number.  To have a truly cheery tree, you must douse your tree in tinsel so that it looks like a glitter blizzard decimated your home.

Beautiful.

7.  Congratulations!  Your tree is truly a delight to behold.  Now, just find the perfect topper, and you'll be done.

Perfect!

BONUS:  While wandering about the internet shouting for tree pictures, I found this little gem, which will serve as the main inspiration for next year's decorations.  Christmas 2012's theme is tentatively being called "OH CHRISTMAS TWEE."  We at the drudgery bin are very excited.

"We put birds on things!"

Images via Natotela Africa! Green GOP, Just Humor Me, Technabob, Seasons for All.

"And God Bless Us, Every One!"

I don't really need this crutch, but the ladies love a cripple!

I really hated whenever we had to watch A Christmas Carol in school or read the play aloud in class, because the story has been worked to death by the time kids hit junior high.  To be fair, though, I guess secular Christmas stories are pretty limited.  It's either A Christmas Carol or Whoville for public schools.  When I went to Catholic school, our Christmas pageants were grand spectacles dedicated to baby Jesus' emergence from the womb (I always want them to act out the birth scene in nativity plays.  You'd think that the Lord and Savior would just slip quietly out, but I think it would be educational for kids to see the Virgin Mary screaming and grunting in pain.  Various bodily fluids spurting about.  Could be a very effective form of birth control for Catholics).

Miss Anderson's first grade class proudly presents: NATIVITY! The Musical

What I could really get behind, though, is an adaptation in which everything is underplayed and half-assed and totally inappropriate.  It'll be like the Charlie Brown tree of Christmas plays.  Half the show will be dedicated to Fezziwig's party and all the raunchy games they play, the Ghost of Christmas Present will look like he got picked up in a soup kitchen, and Scrooge delivers a slowly deflating, blow-up turkey to the poor Crachits.  I picture Kip Dynamite as Tiny Tim, letting forth those famous last lines in an off-handed lisp:

So, like, God bless us, everyone.

Image via this blog, Bubblegum Diaries.

Things I Like

CHRISTMAS.

And alllll the preeesentssss.

Something about this time of year just makes my old Grinch heart swell to three times its normal size, and I become gleefully, giddily drunk off all the festive revelry and merriment.  And now that it's officially December 1, I don't have to feel weird about furtively turning down the all-Christmas-music radio station when I stop at traffic lights so that nobody in the other cars will know my shame.  So to celebrate the season, the drudgery bin will be dedicated to ALL THINGS CHRISTMAS for the next twenty-four days.  Then it's on to Boxing Day, and the holiday spirit really just peters out by New Year's.



Image via Shorpy.

LOOK OUT

I'M WRITING FICTION IN GREAT HASTE!

IT IS VERY EXCITING!

Image via DDIY.