On the Decoration of Trees

Guten morgen!  Season's greetings!  This morning we have some helpful tips you can use to make sure you have the best and brightest Christmas tree in your neighborhood.  Unless you live in my neighborhood, in which case your tree will be second best and kind of dim, comparatively.

1. Choosing the Right Time:

Apparently this was the weekend to decorate Christmas trees, since the weekend after Thanksgiving was, clearly, the ideal time to buy the tree.  So if you don't already have it, you should probably just wait till next year.  Or, you can convert to Judaism.  Hanukkah starts December 20 this year, and menorahs don't wilt.  Even an idiot can handle that.

Speaking of wilting, make sure you stock up on liquid cheer for watering your tree.  This will keep it fresh and glowing throughout the holiday season.  If you choose to use plain old water like some sort of jackass, your tree will end up looking like a giant turkey carcass by December 24th.

The anti-cheer.
2.  Picking Your Tree:

We all know that the worst part of decorating a Christmas tree is finagling the lights: digging them out of storage, untangling them from the chaos that has somehow destroyed last year's nice coils, and winding the strands around the tree in a sort of prickly tango. This year, buy your Christmas tree with the lights already on it.  SCIENCE has engineered a new strain of firs that grow up out of the ground with lights bulbs already on the branches, splashing colored light on the snow.  Very cheerful, no?

Yes, very cheerful, indeed.

3.  Spend approximately two hours tying the tree to the roof of your car with heavy-duty ropes.  Twine is for amateurs.

**Note:  Somebody out there will assuredly forget to bring rope.  Maybe you thought you could just toss it in the trunk, leaning over the seats like a pair of skis or some lumber.  My response to that is not appropriate even for the internet, and especially not around Christmas time, so I will instead ask you to just leave now, and please never participate in Christmas again.  You've disappointed us all.  Just go.

4.  Spend approximately three hours untying the tree from the roof of your car, using gardening shears because you've tied the knots too tightly, and then haul it inside to set up in the stand you've placed in the living room, preferably near a window.  This will allow for natural light to illuminate your tree during the day, while giving passers-by the privilege of stealing a glimpse of the glowing vision of yuletide glory that is your tree.  Have a friend stand at one end of the room and tell you which way to tip it until your tree stands straight and proud.  If it takes longer for you to get it straight than it did for the tree to grow, your friend is messing with you.

5.  Now, all you have to do is flit around the tree like a Christmas fairy, tucking garland under branches, nestling colored glass balls among the needles.  Breathe in the pine scent; let it fill your whole being.  That is the smell of your neighbors seething, writhing, spitting with envy.  And that, after all, is what Christmas is all about.

6.  Tinsel deserves its own number.  To have a truly cheery tree, you must douse your tree in tinsel so that it looks like a glitter blizzard decimated your home.


7.  Congratulations!  Your tree is truly a delight to behold.  Now, just find the perfect topper, and you'll be done.


BONUS:  While wandering about the internet shouting for tree pictures, I found this little gem, which will serve as the main inspiration for next year's decorations.  Christmas 2012's theme is tentatively being called "OH CHRISTMAS TWEE."  We at the drudgery bin are very excited.

"We put birds on things!"

Images via Natotela Africa! Green GOP, Just Humor Me, TechnabobSeasons for All.

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