Adam & Eve and the Baby Makes Three

So here's the thing.  I've always been freaked out by pregnancy.  I don't want to have kids for a long time, if ever.  I'm sure someday I will want to HAVE kids, as in have them around to make me laugh and tell me funny little kid stories and give me an excuse to watch cartoons and go to the park as an adult, but I'm pretty sure I will never want to be pregnant.

But I keep hearing that at a certain point in a woman's life, usually right after she gets married but sometimes only after she's been in a committed relationship for a few years, people start asking when she's going to plan on adding a little addition to the family?

Here's what I would hear if someone said that to me:

I DEMAND THAT YOU FULFILL YOUR TRADITIONAL SOCIETAL ROLE AS A WOMAN AT YOUR EARLIEST CONVENIENCE, YOU HARLOT!

Or, alternatively:

WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO LET YOUR STOMACH BE STRETCHED PAST ALL BOUNDS OF ITS NORMAL CAPACITY FOR FOOD SO THAT A TINY HUMAN BEING CAN PRY ITS WAY OUT AND LEECH OFF OF YOU PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND FINANCIALLY FOR THE NEXT MAYBE-EIGHTEEN-BUT-PROBABLY-MORE-LIKE-THIRTY YEARS, YOU HARLOT?!!  Oh and p.s., your body will never look the same again.

Maybe that second one was a little extreme, but I cannot overstate how much pregnancy freaks me out, both because of the physical aspect and because of what it means to me as a woman.  I realize that there are many women who want to have kids, and even some women who would kill to have my healthy, young ovaries.  I respect them.  One of my best friends can't wait to have kids even though she isn't in a relationship, and that's cool; it still gives me the heebie-jeebies to think about all the crazy stuff that goes on in your body during those nine months.

Whenever I actually sit down and think about the option of having a child - a decision I must make for real at some point, thanks to my stupid X chromosome - thoughts come into my head like, I bet mutant children are much more common than we think they are.  And, what if I turn into one of those women who talks like a baby even when there is no infant or tiny animal in sight?  Or, I'm not sure I'll be ready to give up my sailor lifestyle for at least twenty more years - especially considering what I'd be giving it up for!  And most distressing of all:

WHAT IF I FINALLY RECONCILE MYSELF TO HAVING A BABY AND IT COMES OUT LOOKING LIKE THIS?!!

Image source.