Things I Dislike


It isn't that I am resistant to the change of The Future or that I am particularly fond of upright vacuums, but ever since I saw The Thing, anything that skitters around on the floor really just creeps me out.

Aw, heyull naw, that would not get near my house.

Besides being a little too sneaky for comfort, this household menace increases the odds of tripping by about a thousand, gives an air of confusion and clumsiness to the home, and how will the corners of the rooms ever be vacuumed?!  The thing is an absurd invention.  If a house-cleaning robot is going to be invented, I don't want it to be available piece by piece, like those collectible toys that used to be in the boy-specific Happy Meals - an arm here, a leg there; Would you like feet with that?*  I am perfectly fine doing my own vacuuming until a fully-assembled Rosie type is ready to be mass-produced.

I am here to dust yo' shit!**

The Boyfriend is quite aware of my issues with Roombas and Things that Crawl in General.  However, for some reason, he still thought it would be hee-larious to perch the computer on top of his Roomba while we were on Skype tonight, so that I proceeded to race haphazardly around his apartment, bumping into walls and shrieking wildly as the bizarre reality of what was happening actually sunk in.


This is no redemptive story about How I Learned to Stop Being Crazy and Love the Roomba.  This is a story of justice.  Fierce and swift and decisive.  Just like our break-up will be, should The Boyfriend ever try to put me on or near a Roomba again.

Revenge is coming, Roomba.  Watch yer back.

*Once assembled, the toys also turned out to be robots, if I remember correctly.  Coincidence?
**I'm pretty sure that Rosie will have a myriad of personas.

Images via Tie Dye Quartet, Apartment Therapy, Animal Tumblr.

No comments:

Post a Comment